Engaged Macro + Yurika by Juvenco

This life I was blessed with an older brother. He arrived arrived 6 years earlier than me. I have learned so much watching him grow up, at most of the time I would reflect the way he ate, handled things and spoke like a thug.

As I felt the impulse to write, I realised this letter is much bigger than the brother in my nuclear family. At points, we argued a lot and we’re definitely not the closest sibling in the family. It could be the inner male ego or it could be our irreconcilable characteristics that made us grew apart even though we spent most of our times living under the same roof. Sometimes we fought hard like lions fighting for their territory, sometimes we shared the interest of modern technologies and games – it’s really more like a love and hate game between us. He barely smiled and spoke within our family member, but I could really see a tender and vulnerable man when he’s with Yurika. He has reminded me of the sweetness and tenderness I felt when we were small. In essence, this letter is inspired by you and dad.

I know how strong you are and I know what makes you the man you are today. Although I did not take too kindly to your arrival, once slamming the door and screaming to you, I did get used to you and I was very happy to have you around. We had many, many great times together as children. You were brave and cheeky as a child. We both faced many challenges as we grew up; despite this you have been able to hold onto your big brother role (protective and serving attitude) today.

I came into the world screaming and did not stop. I get the sense that I did not embrace coming in to the world. When I look at baby pictures of myself I see a very worried and unhappy baby. In contrast, you always had a smile on your face and barely made a peep. Our mum still talks about how different you and I were as babies. I was the ‘screeching nightmare’ and you were the easy, placid and sweet one. I do remember that nothing seemed to bother you at all – you had a solid strength that I admired. You embraced the world from day one and I felt safe when you were around. You made things feel easy and I wondered what I was so worried about. I feel like you were sent to be my brother to show me how I could have this too.

You were always so tough, strong and brave. Sometimes when we would fight, you would hurt me. It was no fun when I was fighting you, but if I needed help it was so reassuring to know you were there for me. I knew that no matter how much you pretended to not care, you never wanted to see me get hurt. You also knew that I always had your back.

Unfortunately it was not long before I found out that we would not always be able to protect each other. I can feel how we both shut down, in our own way, as a result of how hurt we were by some of the things we went through together. As times flew away and you have grown, I felt like you shut everyone out. This was different to the natural resilience you were born with. Although you were born super-strong, in the beginning you were also open and tender. Looking back, I can feel how you protected yourself by shutting down. You made out that you did not care but I always knew deep down that you hurt, just like I did.

I realise now that it has been hard for me to understand what you have experienced as you have grown into a man. I think this is because we both shut down in different ways. You pretended to not care and I put on a happy face and exploded at intervals when I could no longer maintain the facade. We were doing the same thing in our own way.

Growing up, I observed that there were differences between what was OK for you and what was OK for me. It became obvious that you cared about us – as family – as I learned to know you more. I still remember the day you brought Yurika home. She is beautiful and sweet. You became this different person with her around: you were gentle. You did your best to teach us siblings be tough. I never realised until today – as I wrote this letter – just how strong you really are… and always has been.

For me, growing up with three siblings has been precious. It has allowed me to better understand what many boys and girls go through as they make their way in the world. It is amazing to see you today and feel who you really are without needing you to play a role or be tough or strong.

It has been awesome to feel you relax in my company as I allow myself to accept you exactly as you are, let go of the way I need you to be and the roles I expected you to play. I know that I have been able to do this for you as I have been re-learning how to do this for myself – after all, this was the way we were when we were very small. I no longer need anything from you… but I have never appreciated you more. To the very last, but not least here’s my heart poured into pictures just for you and Yurika to enjoy for the rest of your marriage. To a happy marriage ahead *cheers*

MUA: Malva
Dress: Jennifer Ledong
Suit: Shangri La Tailor